Reality vs Ideal

I think this might be true of every first time parent. You believe, while you are pregnant, that you are going to be one type of parent. Then when the baby comes, it all goes out the window.

I wanted to put Walt on a strict schedule. I thought I would immediately show him the ropes by telling him when he would eat and sleep and we'd all be happier for it. Two months later, he is a demand fed baby, and I still get up with him whenever he wakes to eat. The crazy thing is, with a little patience, he is forming his own schedule. And to be honest, I've never been able to keep a schedule myself, so what made me think I could enforce one on someone else? I like that he's a flexible child. Or maybe that's just my wishful thinking. At least he's patient with me.

This week has been filled with family goodness. My cousin got married this past weekend and every day I got to enjoy the company of my extended family. The food was good and the dancing even better. My nephew Christopher is going to be a ladies man, I can tell. He had them all wrapped around his finger on the dance floor, including me. My cousin and her new husband are from NYC (well, he's from there and she lives there now), and they flew back just in time to enjoy the hurricane and lack of power/running water. How's that for a honeymoon? They intended to fly to South Africa immediately following the wedding festivities, so I'm not sure what their plans are now.

We all make plans. Ok, I make plans. Lots of them. I would be lost without my plans and to-do lists, and not everything has the option of trip insurance. But the best part of life can be deviating from said plans. The magical, unexpected moments. Or the mundane, quirky moments that keep you laughing. The trigger moments that kick your butt. The moments of swaying with the vibrations of life.

I haven't gone trick-or-treating in years. Since junior high. I stopped liking Halloween until Dave slowly introduced me to the joy of terrorizing the kids that come to our door asking for candy. When we washed his old Marine work uniform so he could wear it to scare the kiddies this year, shrapnel from when he almost got blown up in Iraq came out of the clothes. He wouldn't be my husband and Walt would never have existed if he hadn't survived that. It made me wonder, who doesn't wash their clothes for almost a decade?

This year my brother and I brought my nephew around my neighborhood dressed as a ghost. Well, the masked bad guy from Scream, but since he's 6 he thought he was just a ghost. I am still frightened by that mask. Luckily I had the capacity to remember my sweet nephew was still under there somewhere. A little boy who starts his sentences in English and finishes them in French. Because where would we be if we didn't throw our expectations out the window mid-sentence?

 

Walt was a pilot but took the nap option when it came time to go out.

Discovery

When was the last time you remembered your hands? Maybe you thought about them a little more when you got a paper cut or burned yourself or read about Aimee Copeland needing them both amputated... but I think I usually take my hands for granted. And really, I am very grateful for my hands, both in their usefulness and their beauty. But I haven't spent the time or energy getting to know them for the past 27 years like I've watched my son discover his hands the last week or so. The energy it takes for him to move his hands where he wants them, to get his fingers to cooperate, to even release his tiny (yet fierce) grip... it's astounding to be reminded of what we have to go through to become the people we do.

When I taught preschool several years ago I realized I had forgotten all we have to learn, like how to put a jacket on a hanger or which scissor holes to finger combination is most effective. I am so happy to have the chance now to watch Walt learn all this stuff, the ways we are human, the things that separate us from everyone else. I get the front row seat on his amazing journey. I am along for his ride.

In this smile I discover all that is good in the world.

Dave is watching the World Series in the next room, and my ears hurt from the cheering that's apparent all the way across the country. I think every San Francisco fan at the game is going to have laryngitis and every Tiger's fan tinnitis. At least the Cards got knocked out!

Crib Magic

I hope that writing this doesn't jinx anything. For the past three nights, Walt has slept exactly like I wanted him to... in his crib, of course. He wakes up every four hours (twice per night) to eat, then goes right back to bed. This is amazing for us. I wake up for his 2am feeding, then Dave gets up at six to feed him, put him back to bed, and get ready for work, allowing me to sleep some more. Of course, I have to get up to pump, but that alone takes much less time than nursing and pumping. Hopefully Walt likes this arrangement too until he's ready to sleep through the night completely!

It started when my mother came to spend the night. Walt had been sleeping in his crib during the day for the past two weeks (just made more since if I wanted to get chores done or use my bedroom, plus his room is so nice I was ready to use it some!). This worked out pretty great except dividing his stuff between two rooms was a little burdensome, having to switch it every morning and night. Anyway, he slept like an angel for my mother (Why is it that babies love to be so good for their grandparents? Showing off, I think). Dave and I decided to try it again the next night, since previously he had slept great til 2am then would be up every hour or two after that when he was in the pack 'n play in our room. Well, it turns out he wants a real mattress and some peace and quiet to sleep well.

We miss him!!! I have to go all the way upstairs to check on him and look at him sleeping so cutely. Petra is incredibly happy to be allowed back into our room at night (and during the day, for that matter). She lives on our bed half the time and is such a cuddle monster that she was going a little crazy being left alone outside with only Frances to console her.

We've also been very social this week, going on play dates and to grandparents' houses. He's been so good in the car and out and about that it's really exciting... though I have to remember he's still very little. Last night, after spending most of two days away from home, he was definitely over-tired. I think I'll keep him at home mostly this next week until my brother comes in town. I haven't seen David in a year and a half! He and his family live in Europe and I miss them so very much. I've only seen them once in the last 3 1/2 years since they moved back over there. Dave is 15 years older than me and always wanted to live in Europe, so it was perfect when he met his bride 10 years ago in Germany. They lived over there when they first got married, but his job back then brought him to Atlanta and the US every month. It was wonderful. I also got to visit them twice a year. Now that I have to buy my own plane tickets I haven't been able to visit in a long time. He's one of my favorite people in all the world, so it's good when we're together. I'm not sure how Walt is going to take the week-long festivities of visiting family. The first weekend he'll be at home with the Johnston grandparents (while we're at my cousin's wedding events), but then after that he's just going to have to use all his two-month's worth of coping skills to enjoy himself. It worries me because we've been creating a routine for him and he likes his crib/nursery so much... but I don't want to miss out on the opportunity to be with family.

Speaking of which, yesterday we had lunch at my mother's. Walt was with his mother, his two grandmothers, and two of his great-grandmothers all at once. I didn't even realize that til my mother pointed it out to me after everyone had left. I lamented that we hadn't taken a picture, but Dave reminded me that he thinks it's better to miss a picture opportunity if it's because you're living in the moment. I completely agree, but I like to record things so much it's hard for me to let go sometimes. I think that's why I liked studying history so much.

Carpe Diem!

4 Years

Four years ago today I met David while playing darts at the Independent. It was a night of alcohol, fun, and friendship. My life was forever altered that day... every day alters the course of our journey, but that day in particular was truly meaningful. Our wedding anniversary is in May, but I believe this is our real anniversary, because although we didn't marry each other in October, we've been committed to each other almost since the day we met.

Tonight we're celebrating by my mother night-nursing for us. I've even given her permission to use bottles so I don't have to get up when he gets up... a full night of sleep is in store! So, why am I writing my blog instead of slee

Yep

On the day my church asks me to be a deacon

I think this is the funniest and cutest picture I've seen in a long time!

Our First Outing

Yesterday I was determined to get out of the house for a fun adventure with baby and Dave. We got our next door neighbor Vicki and her daughter Abby to join us as well as Kate & Gabe. Destination: Candler Park Fall Fest

proof that we did make it out and with smiles on our faces!

We had a good time! Walt barely cried at all (a miracle since two weeks ago he would have screamed the entire time in the car and probably the whole time out too) and seemed to enjoy himself when he was awake! I know I was having fun being outdoors (what beautiful fall weather we are having in Atlanta) with my husband and baby in a social setting! We timed it right after his nap, stuffed him full of food, and off we went!
 

Another first: this morning Dave got him to giggle for the first time!!! It was like angels came down and were singing to me through the mouth of my little babe. And then I was able to get him to laugh too! Definitely the most wonderful sound in all the world.

Hello world, watch out for Walter! Here he comes!

That damn AT&T box

The little people 0, big business 1,000,000,001

We have a very beautiful, large AT&T UVerse box in our front yard. Not only is it an eyesore, but the shrubbery that used to surround it was destroyed by AT&T workers. On top of that they litter our lawn with their trash while they're working.

Luckily, my father-in-law took this on as his project to get the box taken care of for us. We either wanted money for it (they're renting our property, no? They don't have an easement for its use), or they could move it to where they did have an easement. A title lawyer has gotten involved and has been talking to the AT&T people. He even sent a surveyor to measure our property.

Today there were little posts marking the corners of our property. To my extreme dismay, the ones in the front yard were past the box. Does this mean they can leave that damn box there for all eternity and there is nothing we can do about it? This is all completely unfair.

Funny thing is, when UVerse finally came to our neighborhood about a year ago, we called them to switch our cable and get a deal... Turns out they were much higher priced than Comcast and even though their box is in our yard, they wouldn't budge on their price!

AT&T brews up torture for its clients and neighbors...

TV

I think I am a TV addict. It's disgusting, I know. At least I am still a productive, happy, interactive, book-reading, husband-loving, creative person... or so I tell myself.

My favorites, in case you are looking for something good to watch. These are all on Netflix On Demand, thank goodness. What would we do these days without instantaneous gratification?

Downton Abbey
Mad Men
Gossip Girl
Switched at Birth
Parenthood
Brothers & Sisters

Fall Days

The beginning of fall always makes me nostalgic for the fall of 2008. I remember walking the streets of Midtown on my way to class, writing poetry, the beginning of my relationship with David... but it's not nostalgia in a sad sense. It just makes every fall after that feel the sweet remembrances of that time in my life...

I took Walter on a two mile walk today. Victory! He enjoyed the car seat (BOB stroller adapter) the whole time -- thank you pacifier! He was bundled up against the chill in the air and drifted in and out of sleep while I got some much needed exercise. I miss my walks. How are there not enough hours in the day to get everything done with him that I want? Even finding time to play on his playmat seems difficult. Good thing is, I never get bored with him.

I was walking around talking to Walt about what makes up a neighborhood - houses, lawns, people, dogs, streets, sidewalks, etc. - and thinking about living in a place where everyone knew each other. I've driven through small towns in north Georgia where older people out in their front yards will wave at you simply because you're driving by. They might be waving cause they know they don't know you. They might have so few people drive by that they take the time to wave to everyone. I'm not really sure. I just know that I love that small town feel.

Yet, it took about a year before I started getting to know the people who live around us (the very nice people who live around us!), and we live in a great neighborhood near downtown Atlanta. The type of city neighborhood where people do get to know one another. What is it about me that I initially like to fly solo when I see people out and about? Or is it just the era we live in now? Too many people too close together to get involved personally?

I was thinking about all these things when a woman and her kids stopped at the intersection Walt and I were waiting at. We chatted and passed up several lights before we continued down the street (a MARTA bus even stopped to let us on). She was carrying a Gap package she found on the side of the road to the address it was destined for. She had a 9 month old and a 9 year old. She told me about the neighborhood play groups, and we chatted about our pediatrician. She's a SAHM who works part-time from home too.

Have I found a new friend?

Sleeping & Dreaming

This morning I had a very fun dream. The past few days I've pulled Walt into bed with us since he doesn't sleep very well after he wakes up to eat at 2am. At least when we co-sleep that means I get to sleep too. I worry about him cuddling next to me sometimes so I'll hold him on my chest and we'll sleep like that for a while.

At some point this morning I was dreaming... and for some reason a lot of my dreams lately are about leaving the baby. I'll have the monitor with me so I know when he wakes up, but I'll be miles away, 30 minutes away... this time I was hanging out with friends and they told me I left the baby by himself at home. I said, no, I don't think I did, because the last time I was with him we were sleeping in bed together and I was holding him. I said, I think I'm dreaming, and soon I'll wake up. I think it was Jenna who then performed a magic trick, and I knew I was in a dream. I tried sifting through the layers of dream world, and eventually the weight on my arm grew heavier, until indeed I did wake up with Walter on my chest.

I love when I know I'm dreaming in my dreams. It is a very strange feeling. It is a powerful feeling.

Boy do I like getting sleep!

Babysteps

I love the way fall smells.

Today was a a mini triumph. We had my parents over for a home cooked meal (blackened tilapia, corn, rice, green beans, salad, brownies, wine, water), and Walter was so good! He didn't cry but sat in his bouncy seat while we ate and discussed politics. Nana helped us give him a bath and now he's asleep... this is all very nice since last night was not his usual good routine. He was tired all day today because we were up way too much last night. Dave thinks it might be because he had significant lint buildup between his toes from his new sleepwear... I had to take a nap this morning. I handed the baby to Dave at 9:30 and said that I'd see him later. I didn't blink for two hours.

Thank goodness for the small milestones we reach along the journey!

Choptober

Well, that was certainly one of the most interesting date nights I could have asked for. The Braves Wild Card game was one to remember.

Besides watching Chipper Jones' last at bat ever (he got a hit!)...

Imagine 50,00+ angry fans. An umpire who can't admit that he made the worst call in baseball history.

A ball falls to the ground in the outfield, dropped in between two players, a mistake by the opponent and a rally started for our team. Cheers erupt in the stadium. Bases loaded, one out. But wait, no, our manager is out on the field arguing with the umpires. What is going on? What are they saying? The infield fly rule applies? How can that be? The ball fell in the outfield. That rule applies to fly balls in the infield. It is supposed to protect the offensive players! We don't understand. The call is not reversed. How can that be? Thousands of cans and bottles etc are thrown to the field, a call of protest from a crowd that knows better than some crazy umpire. It takes the grounds crew 30 minutes to clean up the field. The teams are ushered into the dugouts. The announcers, pleading with the stadium, go unheard amidst the booing. The guy who emcees the side games in between innings also comes on to plead with the fans. He goes unheard. They threaten that they will have to call the game if we don't stop throwing stuff onto the field.

Wild. The only way to describe it.

If you have to lose a game, that's the way to do it!

Family Happiness

Tonight's blog title is also the title of a Leo Tolstoy novella about a married couple. Young woman, older man, she thinks she wants the single city life - not the bucolic married life - and doesn't realize how unfulfilling that life is until it is too late...

Luckily this was not the case for me. When I met David, I knew he was too good to pass up. I knew this because it was the right time in my life to meet him. I was mature enough to handle a successful relationship. I had grown up through the friendships and trials of previous relationships.

And when we started hanging out, everything else in life just got better. My life seemed happier. My family seemed happier. I don't know how he affected them too -- or maybe my perception changed? I feel like I not only got a greater return on my own family, but I also inherited a brand new, very large family. The Johnstons are close knit and loyal. For instance, my mother-in-law still meets up with the girls from her Brownie troop every year for a beach vacation filled with food and gossip. Who is awesome enough to do that? I have one friend still from grammar school, two from high school, three from college...

Today my mother came over to babysit while I went to my last postnatal appointment and ran some chores. I chose an OB at North Fulton Hospital, so I won't miss the frequency of the long drive, but I do actually like the chance to get OTP. It gave me reason to make other stops like shopping at Hobby Lobby or having lunch with Jason on the way home. Once you're in the city, you're stuck. It's gotta be good to fight the connector traffic and travel on at least three highways to get somewhere. Maybe someday I'll get the chance to live in the suburbs again. I'd like to buy a big house near both my dad and Dave's parents with an in-law suite my mother can live in. Wouldn't that be nice!

Little Walter, it turns out, is a stinker who naps and plays and eats like an angel with my mother. With me? It's all fuss and games! I think that's just the way it goes with little boys, their mothers, and their nanas. I missed him. Dave and I are going to the Braves Wild Card game tomorrow night too. It is so strange to be away from my sweet son after spending the last 10 months connected to him, first in pregnancy and then in exclusive breastfeeding. Growing up certainly is a process of independence and reconnection. The older I get, the closer I want to be to my family (and really good friends) after spending years wanting to separate from them.

Dave's family all came in town for Frank's 70th and will be here again for Christmas. It is so much fun to spend time with them. My family will all be here (including the Europeans but minus Brigitte) at the end of this month. What a joy to be able to spend quality time with family! I am a lucky girl these last few days, months, years...and on into the future too.

Goodnight. It is late, my baby is sleeping, and I should be too. Even with all my fun grown up things to do. Maybe a bowl of cereal first though...

Chronicles of Synchronicity

This weekend we learned about the magic of co-sleeping. Walt had a regular nighttime routine this weekend, going to bed at 10, waking up at 2am, 5am & 7:30am. Miraculous. I would take him outside and do our normal couch routine for the first two, then at 7:30 I would make Dave change his diaper, then pull him into bed with me and use the side-lying position to nurse him, causing us all to go back to sleep. Oh, it was so wonderful. The three of us could lie there and forget about time and alarm clocks (not that little man knows about that yet), and after a little while, Dave would put Walt on his chest and we would continue sleeping -- I'm just afraid he'll smother on my boob if we slept too hard in bed together.

Then there is the joy of co-bathing! Tonight the three of us took a bath together... it was really fun with naked baby, and he had a good time. I don't know why we're teaching him to splash the water, cause when he gets bigger our clothes and floor are not going to stay dry. 

It must be the six-week growth spurt, or at least I hope so, but today was a sad day for me nursing-wise. Luckily I pumped extra ounces earlier in the day (or would they have been in my boobs otherwise?) but tonight when he wanted his big dinner, he wouldn't even latch on at all and just kept crying. It was a first for us (besides figuring out breastfeeding in the very beginning). Dave fed him a bottle and I pumped what I could. I really was almost empty. Moms are always afraid they don't have enough milk for their babies, because you can't see what they eat, and now I too will add that to my list of worries. I guess I will just have to pump whenever he is done eating. Yet I always have my hands full, and I worry that if I wait too long after he eats to pump then there won't be enough for the next time he eats. I am praying my milk supply adjusts quickly to his needs. It is a helpless feeling otherwise.

Whew. I need to outsource my worrying.