Reflections

My grandma is not doing well physically, mentally, or spiritually. She is not a spiritual woman, but I am talking about her spirit. Since her first stroke last year, and then after the one she had a few weeks ago, she has seemed depressed. Not surprising for someone who is 89 and in ailing health, but also hard to watch. Maybe if she was a spiritual woman this time in her life would be easier for her. Maybe all the difficult times in all our lives would be easier if we relied more on our spiritual communities to see us through the mire. If we turned to a peaceful and loving spirit (whether it be Jesus, Buddha, etc.) to guide us. However, I don't like seeing this in my grandma for several reasons. First, it is painful to watch someone you love and like be hurting. I don't want her to die, and I don't want to see her cry when I ask her how she is doing. Second, it is difficult to watch someone who has lived a long and fruitful life, surrounded by family who loves her, to be so upset about the inevitable. This is true especially in light of the events on Friday. Twenty beautiful children shot to death before they had a chance to do so very many things in life. Parents who dropped their kids off at school who didn't live to eat lunch that day. No less sad are the six young women, women with families, women about to retire, who had so much ahead of them in their lives too. It's enough to make me walk around afraid of death, afraid of strangers, afraid of the every day unknowns that can strike us any time. Random acts of violence are the counterparts to random acts of kindness. And it seems like I hear so much more often about violence. It is not just the murderous rampages of a few individuals, but the daily violent minutia that gets to me too. The little unkindnesses we show each other all the time. The yelling, the hate, the abuse, the violence, the discrimination, the judgement... etc, etc, etc, all the vices and sin Pandora let out of her box. It makes me think, which is worse? One person killing 27 people, or 27 people each killing someone? For goodness sakes, we don't have to want to kill someone to have it happen. We can get in our cars while drinking or texting and next thing you know, an accident happens. People are much more likely to die in an accident than by homicide, but we don't stop driving our cars or taking the risks that seem to make life more fun, and this is if we even all assume that death is the worst possible outcome. And then if you are being truly honest, it's not accidents or violence that really kills people, it's what we do to ourselves: drinking, smoking, eating, not exercising... We are our own worst enemy, as the saying goes. And we certainly don't fear food or sitting inside on the couch. Well, most of us don't. But in society, what you often see come to the surface are the things that cause us fear. Because fear is very powerful. Are fear and pleasure the yin and yang that dominate our lives - and thus our politics? 

It is the hope and amazement I feel when I see my child smile or do something new that makes my world a better place. I might be a new parent, but I feel like I've known and loved my son my entire life. And I think that is what hurts us all so much about Sandy Hook. That man tried to kill our hope and amazement in the world. He took what was precious and destroyed it. It didn't just destroy those families but a little piece (and peace) in all of us, because we all understand the innocence, hope, imagination, and possibilities that childhood represents. And when something that disgusting happens, we just can't believe it. Adults may fight, you can be in the wrong place at the wrong time, someone may do someone else wrong, but children? Really? Why would someone be so cruel?

The only thing left for us to do is to help, to forgive, to keep believing we can all change the world for the better, and to keep it moving. No one is immune from tragedy. But what is different in all of us is what we do in the face of tragedy. We can stay the same, we can lament and vicariously judge the evil in the world, or we can take one more giant step in the evolution of ourselves.