NB: This post is long, and it may contain some slight graphic details. Enjoy!
I’ll start with Wednesday, August 15th. I had my
38 week check up, and as I had only gained 15 lbs at that point, we wanted to
check baby’s development via ultrasound. I had been having some pretty
significant pelvic pressure/pain. Turns out baby was so low “he had no where
else to go but out,” according to the ultrasound tech. But otherwise he had a
good bill of health and moved around a lot. I had lunch with Jason & Jen$
afterward at the spicy burrito place (yum!). Thursday I went to work and then Dave and I
made dinner for his parents and my dad. We had yummy fish, corn, kale, rice,
salad & red wine that my dad had brought back from the California vineyards
he had just visited. Pelvic pressure was even more intense. On Friday our good
friends Jen & Anton got married at Piedmont Park. Jen$ and I went to take
pictures of the girls getting ready, then I showered and dressed for the big
event, waiting for Dave to get home from work. It was a wonderful wedding. I
danced with David (to some fast songs and a lovely slow one!). We had a good
time with our friends (Jason, Jen$ & her roommate Jamie were there too). I
was ready to go around 11, having been upright all day. We got home, and the
pain made it feel like my pelvis would break apart every time I moved my legs.
That night I slept very poorly, waking up a couple times because it felt like I
was having intense contractions. They would start in my back and wrap around my
waist. Eventually I got up for the day. Dave and I hung out that morning. I texted
Alice about what I could do to relieve some pain. She told me to lay on the bed
head down with my butt up in the air. It worked really well, for I didn’t have
the pelvic pain anymore, but it did cause my first awake contraction of the
day.
Throughout the day I was having very intermittent
contractions. I wasn’t even sure they were contractions, except they seemed to
have peaks, and they would wrap around my belly and back. They felt like a hot
iron squeezing a belt around my belly. They happened probably once or twice
every hour, lasting 30 seconds or so. I’ve heard so much about false labor, I
pretty much ignored them. Even though I was uncustomarily still that day, lying
on the couch for most of it. Dave was outside working in the garden most of the
day. We have a vegetable garden that had become completely overgrown with
weeds. I don’t know how the veggies were surviving. At one point I joined him
outside and sat in camping chair and watched him. When I brought the chair over
it gave me a contraction. For about 30 minutes we chatted, and then I made him
a grilled cheese sandwich, since he hadn’t eaten but a bowl of cereal for
breakfast. I went back inside to rest. Horizontal resting was good, but if I
had a contraction while I was laying down, the pain was much more horrible.
Even lying on my side was excruciating. Around 5pm I went to the bathroom for
the millionth time and noticed some blood. I thought, “here we go!” but I
didn’t want to get too excited. I went outside to bring Dave some water and
tell him that he might want to come inside soon, clean up, and get some rest.
He looked at me like he was really excited, but we both knew not to make too
much of it. At around 6pm I told him he needed to get inside. My contractions
that last hour had been every ten minutes or so. I said something like,
“If you don’t get inside now I’m going to get mad at you.” That hurried him up!
He showered and ate some dinner (and a beer!) while I… I’m
not sure what I did. I know all I had eaten for hours was a small snack and ice
water. I called our doula Alice around this time to tell her I thought I was
going into labor. She said she was about to run a half marathon and gave me her
backup’s number if things started getting more intense before she finished. I wanted
to watch Mad Men, which Dave paused every time I had a contraction. I think it
took us almost two hours to watch an episode! I tried to find different
positions to make myself “comfortable” during each contraction, but nothing
really worked. The only thing that felt the best was to sit up straighter than
normal, leaning on something to lift my butt off the couch. The contractions
would either start in my back and wrap around to the front or the other way
around. They felt white hot, like they were gripping me around the middle. Kind
of like bad gas but more concentrated. Painful, but I could breathe through them.
They would increase until their peak and then slowly drift away. It is amazing
that in between there would be no pain. I was actually afraid almost every time
that I was mistaken, that I wasn’t really in labor, and that another
contraction wouldn’t come. But oh, they did!
After the episode I decided to take a bath. I love baths and
had wanted a water birth before the midwife left our OB practice unexpectedly.
I thought it would calm the contractions and relax me. But maybe I’m not a good
candidate for water birth! Getting in the water made me immediately have two
contractions right on top of each other, and their intensity was much worse
than the previous ones! I was surprised as I had had a bath earlier in the
afternoon and had been able to read. Although I had just gotten in, I had Dave
help me out, saying I couldn’t handle it in there. Turns out I must have
flipped the “on” switch, because my contractions started coming every three
minutes or so. They had been lasting about a minute. I moved to the bed
(slowly, because I didn’t have much time in between each one) and sat there
trying to get comfortable, debating with Dave if we should go to the hospital. He
called our practice and said “I think my wife is starting labor,” which as it
turns out was a silly description. He explained my contractions, and the
hospital said to come on in. I decided to call Alice first. She was still
running the last mile of her race! I had to throw the phone down at one point
to get through a contraction. Dave was being sweet giving my feet a massage,
and I couldn’t even handle that. Turns out that though I love massages, I didn’t
really like to be touched too much during intense labor! Labor sure is Opposite
Land. Alice asked if I would be upset if we went in and I was only dilated 3
cm. I said, maybe, but I would really be upset if I was only 1 cm. I was also thinking,
“boy, if this is only early labor, I’m not sure I could handle active labor!”
My plan all along was to go natural, as I had trained to be a doula myself the
year before and had delved into studying childbirth, but I kept thinking in the
back of my head that I would probably cave and get an epidural if I got to the
hospital, and they said I wasn’t very far along.
Alice suggested that I wait 30 minutes and reassess then if
I wasn’t completely sure that I wanted to go to the hospital. I thought that
was a good idea. After about 20 minutes though, contractions still very intense
and seemingly coming one right on top of the other, I told Dave we needed to
pack our bags and get going. North Fulton is about 45 minutes (in no traffic) from
our house, and I was getting to the point where I needed to be where I was going to give birth. I wasn’t sure I was
going to be able to get in the car if we waited any longer. So off we went,
Dave driving very carefully. He had a bottle of peanuts rolling around the
front passenger floorboard (I was in the back where there were more options for
labor positions) and I very quickly told him that that wasn’t going to work! He
quickly stuffed them in the glove compartment. We didn’t really talk on the
ride or listen to music, though occasionally he would say stuff to me. I can’t
remember if I responded. I didn’t watch the clock, but I glanced at it and saw
that the contractions weren’t slowing down. The first one in the car was about
five minutes, so I thought I would get a reprieve, but then they quickly
stabilized at 3 minutes. I texted Alice and let her know we were on our way. Funny
thing was, Dave and I were still wondering on the way that maybe this was super
early, and I would only be 1 cm when I got there, and they’d want to send me
home!
We went in through the emergency room, and L&D came to
get me in a wheelchair. I felt kind of silly being wheeled down the corridors,
as if I couldn’t walk. They were very sweet when I arrived (I had
preregistered, whew), and they told me to change into a gown and give them a
urine sample. I asked if I couldn’t wear my own clothes, and they said, “Sure!
Whatever you want!” It took me a while in the bathroom because I had another
contraction. I couldn’t tell how long it lasted. It was enough just to be in
the moment, waiting for the pain to subside. During contractions I completely
forgot about going to a more transformative or spiritual place as I had wanted
the experience to be. I could only think through each one that it would pass
somehow. When Crystal, the nurse, had me lie down so she could check me, I told
her that that was the worst position for my contractions, and she was very
awesome and understanding about my “pains,” as she called them. We waited for
my next one to pass, and then she checked me quickly before I could have
another one. She said, “Now don’t get too comfortable here. You’re 5-6 cm
dilated and 90% effaced. Let’s go to your room!” She then asked when we first
got into the room if I planned on delivering naturally, and my response was, “that’s
the plan!” I was losing conviction at that point though. Good thing Alice would be there soon.
By this time it was around 11pm Saturday night. Once I got
in my room we had to do a reactive strip on baby to make sure he was doing
well. It didn’t take long at all to make sure his heart rate and movement were
fantastic during and in between contractions. Crystal also set up an INT on my
left hand for an “in case” moment. It was rather large and annoying. She said
she wasn’t going to even call Dr. Modugno until the last possible minute so he
wouldn’t have a chance to intervene!
Alice showed up and we sat around chatting about labor and delivery, and I
tried a few more positions. Dave and I actually hadn’t told our family yet that I was
in labor, and we figured we should let everyone know. Dave messaged our parents
that we were at the hospital. I wanted to go in the shower, but Crystal was
about to come in again to check baby, which they do every hour. This check was
even shorter. She wrapped my hand with the INT in a large latex glove, which
looked and felt even more ridiculous. At some point Modugno came in to check me
out, but I had a contraction while he was there and had to lean on Dave, so I
couldn’t really respond to him. He didn’t stay long, I think because he knew it
was going really well. I was happy he was remembering what I wanted in my birth
plan (AKA no interventions). The interesting thing about contractions was that
whatever position I was in when the contraction got going, that was where I was
staying. There was no moving, even if I was in a terrible position. So it was
best to be in a place where I could easily stabilize myself to get through it.
Getting in the shower was wonderful, even if the water was
just under the temperature I would have liked it to be, but it was probably set
at the highest it would be safe for a laboring woman. Good thing was it was
consistent. It took me several contractions to figure out where I wanted to be.
There was a seat in the shower, but it was too flat and hard and too far back
to provide much comfort. I tried sitting in the shower, but my butt would hurt
too much during a contraction. So I settled for sitting down facing the faucet in
between contractions, then when I would feel them revving up, I would use the
bar in front of me to raise myself up on my knees, rest my arms and face on the
bar, letting the shower hit my back. I could wiggle my butt if I wanted to
relax, but for the most part I forgot to relax and noticed frequently
that my shoulders were tight. I would always try to lower them if I could
remember. When I was sitting down I would let the water hit my face, which was
nice. Dave and Alice got me a towel to put underneath my knees so they wouldn’t
hurt too. It felt like I had less and less time to relax between contractions.
I didn’t focus on time or really anything else but getting through the pain.
Dave was sitting on a stool next to the shower, just being with me and getting
me ice chips or water if I needed them. He was with me the whole time, holding
me up if I needed his support or just being there with his loving presence.
Alice sat outside the door if we needed her. Interestingly, during this time I
was completely naked and could have cared less who came in. It felt very
primal. I had some questions, like when my mucus plug really started to come
out, and it freaked me out. It was very bloody and stringy. I thought something
was wrong cause it wouldn’t easily pull out, and I thought I was pulling parts
of my uterus out. It was fantastic to have Alice there telling me that things
were normal or what to expect. And it was like she knew my needs before I could
even voice them. Probably because she is so used to supporting women in labor!
At one point while we were in the shower (I barely talked except for the few
moments in between contractions) Dave said that he was jealous of me because he
wasn’t able to give birth to our child. Now, that might sound strange, but since
he’s a Marine, he likes painful challenges. It’s a sentiment I had heard before
from him and it really bolstered me when I was nervous about birth during my pregnancy,
because he knows what it’s like to be completely in the moment, and it’s not
something you get to experience very often. Well, my response to that, while in
the shower, was “You can have the next one,” and I heard Alice laugh right outside
the door. It was a simple moment, but one that I really liked. It kept me
going.
At some point I asked Dave how long we had been in the
shower. Time really had no meaning, but he said it had been 45 minutes. He told me later that the contractions were every 3 minutes, lasting 2 minutes.
Sometimes I would have double contractions, when there would be no break
between. He apparently had talked to Alice some while I was in there, and I
didn’t even notice. For so much of the time I could only be involved in my own
mind and the sensations flowing through my body. The bathroom was dark, so
maybe it was like a little cave, where my body felt protected and could go
through what it needed to to get the baby out without interruption. After
awhile I remember thinking that I wasn’t sure I could handle too much more of
this. I knew from a previous meeting with Alice that that can be a sign of
transition. It immediately made me hopeful, because everything was just so
intense I wasn’t sure I could keep going. I don’t think I had much choice
either way. My labor was a locomotive with no brakes. Soon I started feeling
the urge to go to the bathroom during each contraction. It was literally the
feeling of having to poo but only during the intense part of the contraction. I
told Alice, and she said it might be the urge to push. After a couple of those
contractions, I turned off the shower and decided to get up (while I could!) to
see if I did need to poo. I knew that sometimes women would potty during labor.
I got out of the shower, and Alice and Dave tried to dry me off. Hospital
towels are very small and inefficient! I had several wrapped around me, and I
sat down on the toilet. During the next contraction, the unavoidable urge to
bear down hit me. I could not help myself. There was nothing I could do to stop
myself from doing it. I was grimacing and straining and… I felt the baby in the birth canal. It was this warm, full feeling of his head coming down. It was
probably one of the most frightening feelings I’ve ever had, knowing that there
wasn’t anything else left for me to do but push him out. It was by far the most
instinctual feeling I ever had, feeling his head plus the urge to push. His
head felt big. Alice had gone to get the nurse and the nurse to get Modugno and
tell him the show was on the road.
Alice and Dave helped me get up off the toilet and to the
bed. Now, getting to the bed felt like an insurmountable task. It was probably
15 feet away but felt like Mt. Everest. Contractions were not the same anymore.
They completely took over my mind and body, and I was like an animal,
doing things and making noises that I couldn’t help. I think I maybe had 3 or 4
contractions before I could crawl onto the bed. We stopped and I would hold
onto Dave and Alice, trying to stay upright and keep going. The noises I made
were of the groaning variety, but they weren’t gutteral, not yet. Turns out
there’s a big difference. Alice asked me if I wanted to put on my dress, which
I did. I couldn’t have cared less who was in the room down at my naked bum, but
for some reason I was more comfortable not being completely naked anymore. Once
I got on the bed there was hustle and bustle about, most of which I could
barely pay attention to as I was completely taken over by the pain. They had to
lower the end of the bed and prep for delivery. I then was in a position to
push, sitting up, Alice on my right leg, Dave on my left. They tried to put
monitors on, the INT was falling out. I was pretty much saying “no” to every
suggestion by the medical staff, which was ridiculous on my part. I truly didn’t
want to be there anymore; I wanted someone else to have to do this for me. I
think Dave wished he could have taken my place.
The noises I was making were very loud. But they were the
wrong type of noises. They were surface, lung noises, not using my belly and my
butt to push the baby out. It is literally the same type of push as a big poo,
but also so very different. Ungraceful description, but accurate. You have to
crunch up and dig deep inside yourself to push that giant baby out of your
small canal. A couple of times I was literally trying to back away from the
pain, and it made the nurses laugh and say, “Honey, you can’t back away
from this, you have to bear into it to get him out.” But everyone there was
very supportive. Very. They were all trying to help me, tell me what to do and
how to do it. Crystal broke my water, which was a warm, gushing feeling that
felt good, and I had been hoping against all hope that baby would surf out on
that wave, but it was not to be, there was more to come! The times when I would
push correctly, it seemed like everyone was cheering me on, and I would hope it
was over each time. I couldn’t really tell what was going on down there
anymore, except that there was a large object trying to come out. I started
hyperventilating. My hands were acting funny, all curled up and I couldn’t
uncurl them. My lips were becoming numb and weirdly shaped. Modugno wanted me
to hold my own legs (to which my response was “no, no, no” and he grabbed my
hands, put them on my legs, and told me to pull them back. This was when my
hands weren’t working, and he told me I needed to slow my breathing down.
Everyone had to keep reminding me to slow it down, because I would forget and
start getting faster and faster, just hoping the pain would subside quickly.
Turns out if you slow down, that speeds things up! He crowned for a couple
contractions (during which Crystal would say, “he’s almost here! Probably one
more push and you’ll have your baby!” Baby’s head finally came out with a
cheer, and the rest just slithered out (much less work than the head), and they
placed him on my tummy… HE WAS HERE!!! At 1:45am Sunday morning, August 19,
2012. It was only 15 minutes of pushing! It had felt like an eternity.
I had cried out the entire time I was pushing, crying out in fear, pain, and
wishing it would be over soon. But then…
I couldn’t believe it. I really couldn’t. I had my hands on
him, was looking at him (he was a purple color all over; I asked if he was ok),
and I just kept breathing really hard. I was saying “oh my goodness” and just
in a state of overwhelming disbelief. Here was a miracle, a true miracle, on my
belly. My child that I had created out of love with my husband, carried for
nine months, and delivered after about 8 hours of labor. The intensity of the
moment was something I had never experienced before. Dave asked me if I wanted
to say his name out loud (we hadn’t shared the name with anyone yet), and I
said “oh yeah” and simply, “Walter” because there he was, looking beautiful and
in my arms. Dave and I looked at each other and there was just pure love there.
Love for each other and baby and the moment that we were in together.
Of course, it wasn’t over. I had to be stitched up. Baby had
torn me good and getting sewn up was terrible.
They had to apply the local anesthetic twice. Dave and I focused on baby, Alice
focused on me, Modugno kept saying “sorry love” when it hurt, and my body
wouldn’t stop shaking. Finally, finally, it was all done. They dimmed the
lights, and left the four (!) of us alone together. Alice stayed for a little
while longer helping Walt and I get our first latch, then she left the three of
us alone together. We had taken off my dress so baby and I could be skin to
skin, him covered with a blanket, and there we were, our new little family,
alone together for the first time post natal. We just sat there and looked at
him, talking about how awesome he was. It was nice to have that time together,
because there was lots to do afterward. I had to get cleaned up (and pee,
ouch). At least I could walk around. Baby got weighed (6 lbs 13 oz) and
measured (19 ½ inches). We gathered our belongings to go to the room and also
follow baby to the nursery to get checked and cleaned. They thought he looked
over 40 weeks because of his peeling skin, not one week early. After having him
inside me for 9 months I wasn’t interested in being away from him yet. Jan and
Frank were waiting for us out in the hallway to meet baby and hear his name.
They had tried to come into the delivery room right after Modugno had left, but
Dave told them they had to wait a few moments longer. His mom had brought
cookies to bribe the nurses into letting her back there! They were her
delicious chocolate peanut butter ritz cracker cookies that I could eat a
million of. My dad would visit tomorrow (he was going out of town the next day)
and my mother was still in Vermont (I had told her that baby would come when
she was gone when she first told me her plans. I always knew he’d be at least a
little early!) We got back to the room with baby around 4am, took a zillion
photos and then everyone left. Walt was a sleepy baby, not waking the entire
night (he had been through a lot too!) but Dave and I were too keyed up from
what had just happened. It took us a little while to talk it out and finally
fall asleep, baby in his bassinet between us. The whole thing was just… wow. I've never felt more proud of myself in my life.
And that’s how our little Walt came into this world!
I may have cried reading this....mayyyyy have lol. What an AMAZING read. That little boy is blessed beyond words to have you and Dave. I'm so fortunate that I get to meet him and be a part of his life. LOVE YOU!
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